Loving me, loving you

“Shall we order tapas for dinner?” my friend asked her boyfriend on the phone. They have been staying together since the pandemic started. I watched this conversation play out, and I saw what it looked like to incorporate someone else into your everyday routine. For a long time, that threw me off; I enjoyed being alone and getting to do things my way. But now that I’ve had that, I finally empathised with the warm, cozy feeling she probably felt, knowing there’s someone waiting for her at home.

I feel naive. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt strongly about anyone. So long that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to bond with someone so closely. To want to spend every second of the day with them. To have butterflies every time they walk into the room. It’s like I almost can’t empathise with the feeling of being in love, the way so many people in my life are. It makes me feel cold, and the longer I stay single, the more I worry I’ll slip further into this iciness in the heart.

There’s also so much I don’t know, both about being in more serious relationships and how I am in them. I don’t know what I like sexually. I don’t know what it’s like to intertwine your life with someone else’s. I don’t know what it’s like to meet someone’s family. I feel pressured to get these experiences since everyone else around me is.

I’ve always been afraid to let people in because I fear they’ll reject me once they see all of me. I have an ingrained belief that I am unlovable and that whoever may be interested in me will eventually walk away. I thought I was doing myself a favour by not letting anything get serious because it saved me from the heartbreak of true rejection, and it saved them from seeing me for me. I don’t know what exactly it is that I think will cause this dark turning point, but it is crazy how strongly insecurity can dictate your life.

I’m working on addressing these insecurities, more for myself than anything else. I’m doing my best not to cave to peer pressure and date for the sake of it because I know that will probably do more damage than good. I guess a part of me has always known that I need to love myself first before letting anyone else love me. I just think I’ve stalled on step one, so I never quite progressed. Here’s to flushing out self-limiting beliefs and allowing love in.